13 - Turret Syndrome

Conspiracy theorists love to think up elaborate schemes about how a secret cabal of mysterious figures actually rule the world from behind the scenes. This is a well known fact. Slightly lesser known is that these theories are usually spelled out over a bag of cheese curls. A city like a Paragon, is one of the few places where such theories are usually far less elaborate than things really are.

"So…the Skulls are making Superadine and dealing it to the trolls because of the Family?" Flat asks slowly.

"Yeah, that’s about right." Teckstyle answers.

"Sounds complicated."

"Wait till you hear about the Hellions."

"What about the Hellions?"

"I did say you’d have to wait."

"Well that’s no fun."

"All I can say right now is that they’re the real power in this city."

"No way."

"Way." Teck paused to let it sink in. "And there’s some people out there that say this city, the whole world was actually made by a strange group of all powerful beings called Devs, who can change things that…displease them."

Flat bursts into laughter. "That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Next you’ll tell me that they can erase someone’s name."

"They can."

"Come on man, stop it! I’m gonna wet myself from laughing."

"Its true! Haven’t you noticed that controllers have a lot fewer pets nowadays? And that blasters hurt a lot more sometimes? How come Arachnos, which is supposed to be this great big threat, just came out of nowhere? Why didn’t we go to the Rogue Isles before now?"

Flat doesn’t answer. He’s rolling on the floor, holding his sides. "Stop, please stop! You’re killin’ me!"

Teck crosses his arms and waits for the laughing to stop. "Are you done now?" he asks when the laughter stops.

"Yeah, totally," Flat says, standing up and suppressing a giggle. "What’re we fighting this time?"

"The Malta Group have planted a few bombs in a warehouse and plan to frame a hero for the explosion."

"Sounds like them. When does the hitting start?"

"Well, there’s that group over there, for starters."

"Well, guess I’ll just go on over there-"

"Wait," Teck says. "Let me take out that sapper over there first."

"The what now?"

"Sapper. Guy with a funky backpack and a gun that disables your powers for a little bit."

"Fine, whatever." Flat says and steps back.

Teck takes aim and knocks the sapper flat on his back. Immediately, the group of Malta begin shouting and cursing.

"Wallhacker!" an engineer shouts, pulling a rifle on Teck.

A few seconds later, Teck’s holding a gunslinger by his collar and shouting at him.

"Where are the bombs!" he yells in the Malta agent’s face.

"STFU AWP camper!" the gunslinger yells back, then bites down on something and goes limp.

"Blast!," Teck yells, dropping the agent. "Suicide pill!"

Flat bends down and examines the gunslinger. "Nope. Tic tac."

"What?"

Flat points at the agent. "See. He’s still breathing, and his breath’s minty fresh." Flat prods the agent in the side with his foot. Its greeted by a soft grunt.

Teck throws his hands up in the air and starts walking down the hallway. "Right. Fine. We’ll go find them ourselves."

"You know," Flat says, catching up. "I just don’t really equate commandos with the island of Malta. Falcons? Yes. Knights of? Yes. I just can’t accept giant robots with it."

"Look, its just a name. Its not like every one of these guys is actually Maltese."

Flat thinks about that for a minute. "…But wouldn’t it be crazy if they were? I mean, all these high tech weapons and robots coming from that tiny little island."

"Yes, yes," Teck says, trying to ignore the scrapper.

"Wow, I guess it really is the ones you least suspect," Flat says, shaking his head. "You think you know a Mediterranean island."

They searched on in silence for a bit, disarming two of the bombs.

"You know what I don’t get?" Teck asks. "How they can get those little turrets up so fast."

"Pre-fab. They come in a spring-loaded box. Pull a lever and boing. Instant turret."

"Really?" Teck asks, looking at Flat like he just started speaking Dutch.

"Yeah, they can work wonders with miniaturization these days."

"…And you know all of this…how?"

"Saw it on TV."

"Really?"

"Well, the reception wasn’t that great on the set I was watching. During commercial breaks the headman would be screaming at me a lot, but I got the gist of it."

"Right. Sorry I asked." Teck says wearily.

The silence returned until a third bomb was disabled.

"You know, I’d rather these guys were from Yalta," Flat says eventually. "That way they’d get the whole Soviet thing going for them."

"True. Beating up commies is almost as rewarding as beating up Naz-, er, fascists. Hey, go take out that sapper there."

Flat rushes forward and manages to take down the sapper, but not before a stray shot hits the blaster.

"You didn’t take out that sapper fast enough," Teck admonishes.

"Hey, wow. You’re all glowy and blue now," Flat says, ignoring the sentence. "You ok?"

"Yeah, I’m fine, no damage. All systems are down though, and I’m really tired for some reason."

"Well, take a nap then. I can handle those two Hercules titans over there while you rest."

Teck sits down and Flat rushes over to the two bots. After landing a few well placed hits on them, one jumps onto the other. Flat’s eyes go wide in terror and he rushes back to Teck.
"Teck, wake up! We got a problem!" he shouts.

"Whu-?" Teck asks, standing up and trying to rub his eyes through his helmet. He gives up when he can’t.

"The two titans just powerlinked!"

"Say what?"

"I hit them a couple of times, then they made a beast with two backs! Then started firing missiles at me!"

"What kind of missiles?"

"Big ones!"

"That’s not fair," Teck says as the Zeus titan rounds the corner.

"Look, you can see the top one’s legs dangling back there. Heh, actually, its kinda cute."

Teck turns to Flat. "We’ve got to fight fire with fire. Flat, let me stand on your shoulder!"

"What? No way! Flatfoot powerlinks with no man!"

"Well, got any better ideas then?"

"Run away before a third one joins up."

"Why are you so freaked out by this?"

"So you admit you’re a robo-philiac!"

"Stop dodging my question."

"Sorry, dodging’s my only defense. I had a bad experience with the Clockwork Queen a while back."

"There is no-"

"Different dimension. I’d rather not talk about it."