23 - Flat Vs. The Radio 01

Flat & Teck
# 23 - Flat vs the Radio 01

Gary "Wildman" Jenkins: Good afternoon Paragon City, I’m Gary "Wildman" Jenkins, and you’re listening to the Jungle, Paragon’s number two source of scuttlebutt.

Flatfoot: Scuttlebutt. I like that.

G: Joining me in the studio today is a scrapper by the name of Flatfoot. Flat, I want to start by saying thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to be here with us today.

F: Its my pleasure Gary. I love interacting with the citizens of this fair city.

G: Now, Flat, you wear a lightning bolt motif on your costume, but you don’t have electrical powers.

F: Oh that? That’s a tribute to the lightning bolt that gave me my super speed.

G: Lightning bolt?

F: Yep. I was walking across the street minding my own business, not really paying attention when an out of control van came barreling toward me. Would’ve squashed me too, if it weren’t for a hero by the name of Flatfoot who pulled me out of the way.

G: Wait, you said Flatfoot saved you?

F: Yup.

G: But you’re Flatfoot.

F: No no, see, that was the original Flatfoot that saved me, but just as he did so, lightning struck both of us, leaving me with super speed and reflexes, and leaving him a wisp of smoke.

G: You don’t seem too broken up over it.

F: Well, I mean, I’m grateful he saved my life and all, but I’ve never met him before in my life. All that was left of him were these shoulder pads.

G: What’s so special about those?

F: Those are what help me focus my speed into a more controllable form. I’m not powerless without them, I just can’t really control them. Like the first time I used my speed, this was without the pads, I couldn’t turn it off for about two days.

G: So what made you want to be a hero in the first place?

F: Well, there's the whole good of mankind thing, and I really like beating up criminals. Not to mention the large free bags of cash.

G: Large…free…bags…?

F: I tend to lose paychecks very easily.

G: Right, ok then. Moving on. Now, I’m certain that you’re aware of your reputation as being a little…controversial.

F: Controversial? How so?

G: There are some who….well….lets just say that there are few heroes willing to endorse your "irresponsible" methods of crime fighting.

F: I’m not sure I follow you. I mean, I arrest criminals just like everybody else. If they resist the order to surrender and come quietly, they get beaten into surrendering quietly.

G: Let me try and give you some examples. In the Hollows, you assaulted Julius the Troll, a known friend of city authorities and a valuable contact in the region.

F: That was a case of mistaken identity. Since then I’ve apologized to Julius many times.

G: Your assault on the Council’s Headquarters, while causing severe damage to the facility, has led to an increase in reprisals by the faction.

F: That was an accident that I had no control over, you know.

G: Then what were you doing in there?

F: The, uh, Sky Skiff I was trying to, er, commandeer crashed into the base.

G: …

F: …Yeah. I guess you had to be there.

G: You sent a captured Warwolf into Brickstown to help you "arrest" escaped convicts.

F: You’ve got to admit that’s a hell of a deterrent! I mean, knowing there was a warwolf out there waiting to nail me would make me want to serve out my sentence and not escape.

G: An eyewitness account says that you arrested Dr. Vazhilok by hogtying him and sedating him with elephant tranquilizers while referring to him as a "plucky little Sheila."

F: I did what?

G: That is what the official report said.

F: Wow, and Teck never told--wait a minute. "Eyewitness account" you said?

G: Yes.

F: Ohhhh. He’s gonna get it.

G: You’ve also taken a lot of flack for endorsing Crey Industries, a company that is highly controversial with the hero community.

F: Look, Crey’s a valuable part of this city’s economy, there’s no escaping that, and the company has done a great deal to help the city rebuild after the Rikti War that we’re still recovering from. And while I’ve fought a lot of people within Crey who were on the wrong side of the law, I’ve also found that most of Crey’s employees are proud of the work they do, proud of the city they’re living in, and proud to be working alongside the heroes of Paragon City to improve the quality of life. Everyone from Countess Crey herself down to a guy like Lt. MacReady who’s helping new heroes tackle that "outbreak" problem.

G: Speaking of Countess Crey… In a recent press conference, you are quoted as saying "Those glasses make her look totally hot." I know you’ve apologized publicly since then to the Countess, but what do you have to say about the embarrassment that caused among the hero community?

F: Again, I’m really sorry about that whole incident, and would like to assume all responsibility for that inconvenience. I was still under the effects of mild hypnotic suggestion thanks to fighting some Circle of Thorns an hour before it, and by the press conference, I was still feeling some of those effects, and didn’t say what I had really intended to.

G: Such as?F: Such as? Well, when I said the Countess was "totally hot," which was incredibly ungentlemanly of me, I really meant to say "completely scrumptious."

G: Scrumptious?

F: It’s a word that just doesn’t get enough usage in our daily vernacular, don’t you think?

G: I’m…really not sure what to say to that. Do you still feel that way?

F: Oh yeah. I’d like to go on the record for saying that those glasses make Countess Crey look completely scrumptious.

G: …I see. Anything else?

F: Yeah, actually. That Vanessa DeVore is pretty delectable too. Its just a pity that she’s on the wrong side of the law.

G: You are aware that you’re using terms that apply to food right now.

F: Yeah, I’m sorry, I haven’t had lunch yet. A supercharged metabolism can do funny things when you’re hungry.

G: Now, you’ve received a lot of criticism in regards to handling sidekicks, notably in regards to one "Kid Flatfoot."

F: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there. Before we get into this, I want to make it perfectly clear that I do not endorse the sidekick process at all. I think it’s a disgusting case of child labor and endangerment. If inexperienced teens keep trying to hang out with superheroes, well, they’re
gonna get hurt.

G: Like Kid Flatfoot?

F: Hey, what happened in Faultline was not my fault. I was called away to urgent business. Fate of the city and all that. I looked all over for him for as long as I could, but you know how lost you can get in those crevices. Last I heard he was out of the hospital.

G: Ok, and one last question. Sister Psyche. You’ve been seen together in Independence Port several times now, one time you were dressed as the recently vanished Malaise. What’s going on there?

F: No further questions! This interview is over!