Gary: Hello Paragon city, Gary "The Wildman" Jenkins with you once again, right here on Paragon's number two source for scuttlebut.
Teckstyle: You said 'butt.'
G: And joining me in the studio today is very special guest, Teckstyle.
T: Hiya ladies and germs.
G: Teck, you've just published a book all about superheroes and relationships called, appropriately "Superheroes and Relationships: Keeping the Mystery Alive" Care to tell us about it?
T: Glad to. That's why I'm here. As we all know, being a hero full time's a difficult job. You work long hours for poor pay and run the risk of having your loved ones slaughtered if an unscrupulous villain finds out your secret identity, so its really hard in this day and age find time for a relationship. And when we finally do meet that special someone, we've been out of the game so long that things usually end badly. But fear not, capes! That's what this book's all about.
G: In the book, you call yourself a man with years of experience in the field of seeing other heroes fail at romance.
T: Yep.
G: What do you mean by that?
T: Well, I've seen first hand the problems that other heroes have in meeting that special someone and not screwing up. Why, there's one guy I know who's practically a case study all by himself....
G: Then we'll give you a chance to flex your love muscles by opening up the phone lines. Hello Clark on line one?
Clark: Uhm, hi. I've, uh, got a question for Teckstyle.
T: Go ahead. I'm here to help.
C: Well, see, I work at a newspaper, and there's this girl in the office that I really like who's a reporter like me...
T: But?
C: But its like she never notices me. I try to ask her out and be nice and everything, and she just keeps shooting me down.
T: Sounds like she's interested in another man.
C: Yeah, that's the problem, see. I know she likes a hero who's saved her life a bunch of times. Completely nuts for him. Thing is, that hero she wants to smack lips with is me. What do I do?
T: Ah yes. Workplace romance issues aside, the problems of a secret identity are just so darn many. You might be able to move the Moon out of orbit, but she still thinks you're a schlub.
C: Yeah. Yeah! How did you know?
T: Chapters 3 to 6 of my book cover the pitfalls of secret identities. The problem with your situation is that women love intimacy, and that's a reason to reveal your identity, but they also like a little mystery, which the mask provides. Its a tough call, I'm not gonna lie. Are you pretty serious with this girl?
C: Well, yeah. She's totally in love with my costumed identity.
T: So its serious. Ok. I can tell right now that you're planning on making the big reveal, so let me just say this: Whatever you do, don't tell her in your civilian identity. That never ends well. She'll think it some kind of joke and laugh in your face, and you'll be crying super tears into your super pillow. If you're gonna tell her, do it from your costumed identity. Even if she drops you like you were hot, the look on her face as you take off the mask and she realizes its you will be priceless. Just make sure you know her well enough that she doesn't slap a restraining order on you for stalking her.
G: Ok, next caller, you're in the air.
Flatfoot: Uh, hi. I'm a superhero, saved the city a couple of times, did that whole spiel.
T: So what's your problem Flat?
F: What? Um, my name's not Flat. Flat's my hero. He gets ladies phone numbers. All the time. Really.
T: Then what's your name, not-Flat?
F: Its, uh, Skedaddle. Er.
T: So what seems to be your problem?
F: Well, I'm a superhero, but nobody seems to take me seriously. I'll save a bus full of supermodels from some villains like Nemesis or the Carnies, and they'll just laugh at me when I try to start up a conversation and get their numbers. None of the female heroes I work with ever want to hang out with me off duty. I just don't get it. I'm young, fit, got a good job, but the best I can get out of women is "You're such a nice guy, you'll find someone someday." Well how come if you're so sure I'll find someone, why won't you try to be that someone??
T: Calm down Flat.
F: I'm telling you, I'm not Flat.
T: Calm down not-Flat. Sounds like you've got some serious issues to work through. I take it you fight crime solo a lot, right?
F: ...(sniffs)
T: Caller?
F: (Sniff) Yeah. Nobody really looks for a scrapper to add to their team.
T: You need to exercise your assertiveness. There's no way you're gonna get A-list kind of status and fame if you've got a C-list mentality. Hang out with more teams, beat some arch-villains with them, maybe even lead some teams of your own. If you want more suggestions, look up Chapter 10 of my book, 'Hitting on Teammates Without Getting Beaten Down' Its full of confidence boosting ideas. Caller, you still there?
F: ...(sniffle)
G: Well, that's about all the time we have for today. I'd like to thank Teckstyle for coming in here and shilling his own book.
F: Oh God I'm so lonely! (sniff)
T: I thought he hung up.
G: That's what the dump button's for.
F: Wait, no don't hang u--
G: Stay tuned for news.
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